Taking Control of my Health

So, in case anyone who reads this doesn't know, I'm overweight. In fact, according to the BMI scale, I'm obese. I need to lose weight. I gained it it all in college-first the usual freshman 15 because woo dorm food and now my mum isn't here to tell me to eat my vegetables, and then as a way to self-medicate my then-undiagnosed generalized anxiety disorder. When I left Washington DC, I was over 200 pounds. I went down to about 180 when I lived at home, and now I'm 230 pounds. Way too much. My ideal weight is somewhere between 140 and 160.
I've been halfheartedly trying to lose weight for a while. I'll do okay for a few days and then go back to eating shit. I have a gym membership but don't go much because I feel so tired after work. I order out for food way too much because I'm stressed after work. All of this is complicated and wrapped up in my anxiety disorder, because I have a pattern of eating to avoid feeling the anxiety. I'm at the point now where I haven't gained weight in about a year, but I also haven't lost any.
Today my grandmother was diagnosed with diabetic cervical reticulopathy (nerve pain in the back due to diabetes) and liver damage of some kind (I don't have the full story yet but I suspect it's NASH). She's already an insulin dependent diabetic. Her weight and poor eating habits have finally caught up to her.
I can't keep waiting and half-assing my weight loss attempts. If I do that I'll end up like her. I've been lucky so far-the only consequence of my weight has been one high triglyceride measurement. But I'm not getting any younger and the consequences could be right around the corner.
I guess I'm writing this because I need to tell someone that I have got to do it right this time. Weight loss will be complex for me because I have to continue to treat my anxiety disorder along with changing my diet. But it must happen. I cannot wait around anymore.

Week 3 of January

I  made it through another week! Actually, this week was alright, although it felt like it went very slowly. I may have gotten an actual result at work, so there might be some progress instead of just beating my head against the wall. That's how biology tends to be, lots of crap and then suddenly results. So having a result is a relief. Tomorrow is MLK day and it's a university holiday so I have it off, and that's nice because it's good to have a holiday.
It was so warm and nice yesterday, and today we have a couple of inches of snow. I forced myself to drive to Hyvee to prove that I can drive in the snow. I was very anxious about it since during the last snow storm I got stuck twice and had to call the cops once for help. There were some slippery spots but I managed to get there and back. I'm glad I did it but I'm relieved that I can stay home for the rest of the day. I ordered some pizza and the cats are all curled up with me.
I haven't done a whole lot else. I played a lot of Harvest Moon this week. I wish running a farm and having a life was as easy as Harvest Moon sometimes, because I'm really good at that lol. Usually I spend my evenings watching TV and playing video games. It's a good way for me to unwind after a long day. Yesterday I did build a couple media towers for my games and DVDs. They're kind of small, not so towering, but they work, and they were only 20 bucks. If I can get another one soonish I will so I have room to grow.
In health news, I've lost a pound since I went to the doctor. I'm using my fitbit to track my steps and caloric burn. I set the food tracker to tell me how many calories I can eat based on losing 1/2 pound a week (it's a 250 calorie net loss a day). So far that's worked. It's been two weeks and 1 pound gone. Hopefully it keeps going! I'm trying to increase my protein intake too, since I eat a lot of carbs right now. My doctor wants me to lose 4 pounds by the time I see her in the middle of February. I should be able to get close to that as long as I keep following the calorie count.

Life Balance

So I've obviously had a rough month or so. Final exams are this week, and then classes will be done. But next week I start my next rotation. This one is really important, because if I can't get into this lab, I won't have any funding left and I'll essentially be stuck and have to leave the program. I really don't want that to happen because I don't want to feel like I've failed at graduate school twice. Honestly, I don't think that will happen, but I have an anxiety disorder so I spend too much time worrying about this shit.
Since class is almost done, I've moved to trying to spend some of my time making sure I'm taking care of myself mentally. I kind of got into this issue with school due to my depression and anxiety, and now I'm climbing out of it. Summer is a little iffy in terms of therapy that's available, so I've turned to the magic of the internet. My group this semester was about mindfulness and stress reduction, and there are actually a lot of cool (and free!) apps on Android that are guided meditations or mindfulness practices. Since I have an Android tablet, I've started using a bunch of those and my tablet is now my little personal meditation device. It's actually pretty cool and is really helpful. So even if I can't go to a group therapy again until fall, I feel like I have a lot of tools to make it through.
I'm also hoping that taking care of myself mentally will also help me take better care of myself physically. I gained some weight this semester which obviously bummed me out. I'm trying to get back on track and eat better portions and eat less emotionally. It's sort of slowly working, but it's still difficult. I'm trying to drink a lot more water and tea to stay full for longer, and I'm also trying to drink a fruit smoothie every day that I make in my blender to make sure I get my fruit servings. Now if I can just convince myself to eat less pizza, everything would be fine.

April is the cruelest month

Man, it's April already and I am feeling behind. March pretty much took a big dump on me. I was really depressed and anxious and between that and getting physically ill I didn't feel great on a regular basis. Then my Great Aunt Jan died. I barely spent any time at lab, so essentially I'm starting over tomorrow brand new. Dr. Phillips has been very understanding, which is good, but I feel the pressure because I want to stay in this lab and I can't fuck it up. Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting regularly back into lab. My grades are fine so I'm less worried about those. But of course, something else had to happen to make me feel off. I heard from my mum yesterday that our oldest cat, Miss Demeanor, is probably coming to the end of her life. She has hyperthyroidism and now my parents have to give her IV fluids every week. I don't know how much time she has left, and I don't know if I'll get to see her one more time or not. It's hard to think about especially when I have other things to focus on. I don't know if I'll talk about at group therapy or not, but I'm just trying to get my act together.
In addition, I'm trying really hard to get back on track with my weight loss. I gained about ten pounds in February and March. I started doing Zumba, which I really like, and hopefully it'll help me out. Dan has talked about getting me to run with him, which I think I'll do. I'm crap at running because I'm built to be a sprinter, but if I get to work out and spend time with the guy I'm dating, that seems like a good idea to me. My food intake is really hard to deal with but I'm trying to cut back more, because I know I'm eating too much. It's just difficult when I'm so stressed out.

It's June!

It's June, and that means that I have less than a month left at work. I am really looking forward to being done. There's been stupid politics going on for ages, but it's just getting sillier and sillier. Luckily my supervisor is really awesome, but there's not a lot we can do to change the political climate. It's frustrating. So I'm getting excited that I'll be able to leave soon. Plus I am really looking forward to going back to graduate school, although I am really nervous about getting grades again. I'll feel better after the first semester is over and I've passed everything. Until then I think I'll be at least a bit worried.
In other news, I went shopping last Monday and now I wear a size 10 jeans! I was also able to buy some button down shirts in a size L instead of XL. It is gratifying to finally be able to go down a couple of sizes. I've lost forty pounds since I was at my highest weight in 2009. I'm not done losing weight; I want to lose another 20 pounds or so. But being able to get into smaller clothes makes me really happy. 

New Year's Eve 2010

I have such mixed feelings about this New Year. There are some things that I'm really looking forward to (grad school hopefully) and some things that I'm dreading (John dying). It's a little weird to know that someone I love is going to die this year. I don't think I've ever been in this position before, and it makes the whole concept of the new year and starting fresh a bit sour, really. But I'm trying to remain positive and focus on the good things, and start fresh as much as I can. I joined Weight Watchers online today, to help me readjust my eating habits and take off this last 30 pounds or so that I gained in college. I also went out today and bought a bunch of stuff for beading. I like making jewelry but I never seem to have the time, so I'm going to specifically determine a day of the week that I can do it, so that I'm at least doing it once a week. I really have to organize my life like that or I never get anything done.
I am looking forward to the lab move. That's supposed to happen on the 10th of January. It will be nice to finally get out of Steve's hair and move somewhere that isn't in the way, especially since he has some new hires coming in. I will miss the lab though, even the people that annoy me a bit. The way everything played out kind of sucks.
Anyway, here's hoping that 2011 doesn't suck as much as I'm afraid it will.

Body Type and Why Shopping is Annoying

I went to JC Penney today in hopes of getting some shirts, because I feel like I've been wearing the same 5 shirts to work.
What a pain in the ass. Why are all the summer tops made for women that have no breasts? I saw lots of shirts in cute styles, but they were all sheer and required a camisole underneath. That's great, except for the fact that DD-breasted women can't wear just a camisole to support their breasts. I can't, anyway. I need something that I can wear an actual bra under without showing it to the world, and apparently no one makes much of that.
What was frustrating and disheartening about this was that I know it's not something I can easily fix. It's easier to look at clothes and think, "I'll be able to wear that when I hit my weight loss goal." But when I look at clothes and think, "I might be able to wear that after a $7000 breast reduction, and even that it might look damn silly," it just pisses me off. My body type means I'll always have sizable breasts, even with a reduction, so to some extent I'm stuck. Which is annoying, because some of these clothes are cute!
tl;dr Hey clothes companies: most women aren't prepubescent! Make clothes that fit people with boobs too!