Summer?!

It's June already. That happened really fast. I feel like May just went so quickly. Everything is going well, and maybe it's good that the year feels like it's moving quickly. I just wish that the weekends felt like they were going more slowly, because it never feels like I've had quite enough time to recharge before it's time to go back to work. I'm doing alright, functioning and everything, but it just feels like I could use another day to sleep in, get things done, relax, etc.
I'm moving in a couple of months and I need to buy moving boxes. It takes me forever to pack so I have to start now or I won't get done in time. I'm so slow about it so if I can get my books all packed and my winter clothes and all that by a week or so before I have to move, then it won't be so hard to finish everything up. I have a million books so they will take forever to pack.
Other than that, I'm just working, trying to keep up with my chores and eat right, and trying to stay relaxed and okay. Hopefully it continues. In a couple more weeks I have to officially get into the lab, so I'm trying not to worry about it. Everything is going well so I think it won't be an issue, but I worry about stuff like that all the time, whether it makes any sense to worry about it or not.

Des Moines Botanical Center: Christmas Cactus

 I never finished putting up my photos from the botanical center back in March. Whoops. Anyway, this is a Christmas cactus. I thought this one was really cool because it was started from a cutting here in Iowa in 1810. This cactus is over 200 years old!

It had a few blooms on it. They're really pretty. I have a Christmas cactus myself, that my grandma started for me from a cutting from her plant. It's been growing really well over the past year and hopefully in another year or so it will bloom!

Tubing!

Dan and I went tubing on the Skunk River! It was a lot of fun. We started up near Ada Hayden Heritage Park. We got out near Carr Park because it turned out that where we thought we would get out was on  a different fork of the river. Oops. We had to walk to that spot and I have a million blisters now on my feet, but the tubing part was a lot of fun. There weren't a lot of people on the river, and the water temperature was really nice. Some parts of the river were too shallow and we had to get up and wade, but for the most part we could float. I saw a bald eagle fly over the river, which was super cool, and Dan spotted a deer looking at us from the riverbank. There were lots of cool little birds around and we even saw a freshwater mussel while we were wading at one point. It was really neat, and it was so quiet. We were floating through places in Ames, but from the river you couldn't tell where you were. It was like we were in a completely different world. I had so much fun (even with the walking barefoot for more than a mile and getting blisters lol) and it was my first time tubing so that was doubly fun. Next time we know where the best place is to get out so we won't have the same issue again. And Dan was really sweet and brought over epsom salts and rubbing alcohol for me so I could lance some of these blisters and get them healing. Overall, it was really fun.

Hanging in There

Work so far has been going well. I'm going to learn how to do a gene knockout by the method they use soon, so that will be neat. The hardest part is honestly getting up in the mornings. Even though I get enough sleep, every morning I have to haul myself up and get there. Once I'm there, everything is fine, but man, mornings are hard. I wish that was easier, because it is not easy to start the day feeling that low. I have a sinus headache too, and I've had it all day, and that doesn't help. Hopefully I'll start feeling better and get more into the groove of everything and it'll be fine. It is easier right now since I don't have class so when I get home I have no homework to deal with. That makes the evenings nice. I just wish I had the energy in the mornings so that they weren't so hard. But I'm hanging in there, and everything is going to be alright.

Day Off

So I had the day off work today. There was a conference that everyone had to attend except you had to have been registered for it, and obviously I wasn't, so I got the day off. It was nice. I got to do my laundry in the morning so I don't have to fight for the washers in the evening. I am really looking forward to having my own washer and dryer when I move in August. Sharing is such a pain in the ass.
Speaking of pains in the ass, I have some kind of obnoxious heat rash right where my thigh meets my butt. I know, too much information. It hurts like hell, but nothing will pop and it's not hot to the touch so I don't think it's infected. I've been putting hydrocortisone cream on it and taking acetaminophen which seems to help a bit. I've spent most of the day on the couch in pajamas hoping that keeping the pressure off of that area will help it heal. It's so annoying. I wanted to go for a run, but I think I'll wait until this heals up. I just hope it goes away soon and isn't something like MRSA because that would just suck massively.
Anyway, I'm back to work tomorrow. But I also get to see Dan tomorrow. So even though I'm already feeling a little tired and would rather sleep until noon, I'll be at work counting down to 5pm so I can leave and enjoy myself and not think about school for a while.

I told myself so

So just as I totally predicted, I feel about a million times better after spending my first day in Dr. Bobik's lab. I can't be too specific about what I'm doing on the internet because people would definitely try to scoop us all over the place, but I can say that I'm engineering E. coli to produce industrially relevant chemicals to replace petroleum derived products. And that's about all I can say about the research. However, I can say that the people in the lab are pretty awesome. It's currently pretty small because several people recently graduated and got postdocs, but that is fine with me. The two guys I'm working with are both pretty chill and have that sarcastic kind of humor that I do, so already I feel comfortable around them. One of them had no experience in this kind of stuff before he started working there as well, so I don't feel totally in over my head. Dr. Bobik is in the lab actually working on experiments pretty often as well, so it's neat to see my PI more than once a week in a lab meeting. It's a nice lab too, with plenty of room and windows (oh god the windows are the best) and we don't have to share too many instruments. It probably sounds bad, but I hate having to share all my lab equipment with random people so if I'm in a lab that has all its own stuff that makes me happy. Anyway, I feel a lot better now and I think everything is going to be alright.

Argh anxiety

I am already so nervous about starting to work in Bobik's lab. I am afraid that no one will like me, that I won't get accepted to the lab, that I'll get thrown out of the program and I at least want to get this stupid MS so I can say I have an advanced degree and get the hell out of academia. I know this is the anxiety disorder talking, but I am so antsy right now. I've already packed my bag, made a lunch, checked the map of the Molecular Biology building so I know where Bobik's office is and where the bathrooms are, and now I'm just drinking tea and trying to relax so I can sleep. I will definitely need to make coffee in the morning because I have no idea how well I'll sleep tonight. I'll feel so much better after this first day but right now I am freaking out.
In other non-related stuff, it stormed and the internet went out for about an hour. That was the first time it actually went down and I couldn't fix it by turning the modem on and off. It was out for about an hour and then came back on. Annoying, but whatever. When I called the provider, the lady on the phone said that all of their lines in Ames were down. The weird thing was that the storm lasted about ten minutes and that was it. It was silly.
And now I'm watching an interview on MSNBC of Jeffrey Dahmer's parents. Why? I have no idea. I like that kind of true crime and psychological stuff. Maybe I should have gone into criminal justice and been a forensic evidence technician person. Maybe I'll do that if I can't get my microbiology MS. It will totally be fine and I'll grind through this MS, but just in case, I'm already looking at various and sundry options.

Nice Weekend

I actually had a pretty good weekend, which is refreshing after the stress of final exams and the general stress of switching programs. On Friday, Dan and I went down to Saylorville Lake. I had never been there before and he had only been there once, so it was new for both of us. It was really hot out and I was sweating like crazy, but otherwise it was a lot of fun. We went down to the spillway, where they release all the water into the river. It was really open and the water was really gushing out like crazy. There were two guys there fishing with bows, which I had never seen before. They had caught a couple of big carp so I guess it works as a fishing technique. Anyway, Dan and I walked along the river, and to some of the parts of the lake further back, and then we drove around to the boat launch area so we could walk out on the rock pier in the big part of the lake. It was really cool and it made me feel at home, being out on this rock outcrop in this big lake. It was really nice. Afterwards we went to Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm not a big wing person, but Dan likes them, and I had a cheeseburger which was actually really good. Then we went back to my place and watched a Godzilla movie. I had a great day and my only wish is that I could see Dan every single day, because I love being with him.
Saturday was a laid-back day for me, just hanging out, watching Ghost Adventures and playing video games. Today I went down to Mike and Tessa's for Mike's 40th birthday party. It was great to see them again because I hadn't seen them since February, which is way too long. Since Tessa is done with school and I'm essentially working full time this summer, hopefully we'll be able to hang out together some more. And I was happy to see the kitties Satine and D'Artagnan, because they are adorable kitties.
I just finished grocery shopping and I think I'm just in time because the weather is looking like it will storm again. It stormed like crazy this morning, so much that water actually leaked in one of my windows. It wasn't a lot, but it surprised me because it had never happened before. I'm going to relax for the rest of the day, and try to be calm about starting my rotation tomorrow. I start tomorrow at 10am, hopefully everything goes really well!

Life Balance

So I've obviously had a rough month or so. Final exams are this week, and then classes will be done. But next week I start my next rotation. This one is really important, because if I can't get into this lab, I won't have any funding left and I'll essentially be stuck and have to leave the program. I really don't want that to happen because I don't want to feel like I've failed at graduate school twice. Honestly, I don't think that will happen, but I have an anxiety disorder so I spend too much time worrying about this shit.
Since class is almost done, I've moved to trying to spend some of my time making sure I'm taking care of myself mentally. I kind of got into this issue with school due to my depression and anxiety, and now I'm climbing out of it. Summer is a little iffy in terms of therapy that's available, so I've turned to the magic of the internet. My group this semester was about mindfulness and stress reduction, and there are actually a lot of cool (and free!) apps on Android that are guided meditations or mindfulness practices. Since I have an Android tablet, I've started using a bunch of those and my tablet is now my little personal meditation device. It's actually pretty cool and is really helpful. So even if I can't go to a group therapy again until fall, I feel like I have a lot of tools to make it through.
I'm also hoping that taking care of myself mentally will also help me take better care of myself physically. I gained some weight this semester which obviously bummed me out. I'm trying to get back on track and eat better portions and eat less emotionally. It's sort of slowly working, but it's still difficult. I'm trying to drink a lot more water and tea to stay full for longer, and I'm also trying to drink a fruit smoothie every day that I make in my blender to make sure I get my fruit servings. Now if I can just convince myself to eat less pizza, everything would be fine.

Orchids: Des Moines Botanical Center

Here are a bunch of pretty pictures of orchids at the botanical center. I've had a crappy Sunday so pretty pictures are here to make me feel better.

Big Decision

I've been thinking about this for a while, and now I've talked to my advisor and made the decision, so I feel comfortable telling the rest of the universe.
I'm dropping down from the PhD program to the MS program in microbiology.
I've had a very difficult semester. I don't see myself going to school for five years before I get any payoff, and moving to the MS program ensures that I can be done and leave with an advanced degree if I so choose. I could choose to keep going, maybe that's what will happen, but for now I'm moving to an MS. My advisor was really helpful and is very encouraging, so I feel like the department is going to help me succeed. Now I just need to find someone who is willing to let me rotate in their lab and take on a master's student. Hopefully that will happen soon and I can get started on a project.
I feel very relieved and at peace about this decision. I just don't see myself in academia for the rest of my life, so I'm not sure a PhD is even necessary at this point.

Fishtail Palm: Des Moines Botanical Center

I think this palm tree is really cool looking. It's called a fishtail palm, and I think it's pretty obvious why. It's really tall. I had to look straight up to take this picture. I like it because it's different from the standard palm tree.

Des Moines Botanical Center: Koi

 There are lots of koi in the stream that goes through the botanical center. They're really pretty fish, even though they're related to carp, which are kind of ugly looking. Some of them are really big.

 Most of the koi in the pond were orange, but they did have some of the white varieties. They are my favorite.

While I was looking at the koi, I noticed this painted turtle! Painted turtles are from Michigan, so I had to take a picture of my Michigander turtle friend.

Des Moines Botanical Center: Palm

This is some kind of palm. I took a picture of it because of the leaves. You can see that some parts of the leaves are attached to each other near the stem, but as the leaves grow outward they are separated. This actually is because of apoptosis-programmed cell death. As the leaves grow, the cells that attach the leaves to each other undergo apoptosis and die, letting the leaves separate. How cool is that?

Bananas: Des Moines Botanical Center

 This is a baby banana tree. Look at how little and cute it is! I'd never seen a baby banana tree before.

And this is an adult banana tree making bananas. They grow up so fast...

Funky Cactus of the Day

This is a close up of this weird cactus at the Des Moines Botanical Center. It has a thick stem, these adorable little tiny leaves, and gigantic thorns! It looks pretty crazy but I bet it protects itself well from predators. I kind of want one because they look really neat but I would always be afraid that I would hurt myself on it.

April is the cruelest month

Man, it's April already and I am feeling behind. March pretty much took a big dump on me. I was really depressed and anxious and between that and getting physically ill I didn't feel great on a regular basis. Then my Great Aunt Jan died. I barely spent any time at lab, so essentially I'm starting over tomorrow brand new. Dr. Phillips has been very understanding, which is good, but I feel the pressure because I want to stay in this lab and I can't fuck it up. Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting regularly back into lab. My grades are fine so I'm less worried about those. But of course, something else had to happen to make me feel off. I heard from my mum yesterday that our oldest cat, Miss Demeanor, is probably coming to the end of her life. She has hyperthyroidism and now my parents have to give her IV fluids every week. I don't know how much time she has left, and I don't know if I'll get to see her one more time or not. It's hard to think about especially when I have other things to focus on. I don't know if I'll talk about at group therapy or not, but I'm just trying to get my act together.
In addition, I'm trying really hard to get back on track with my weight loss. I gained about ten pounds in February and March. I started doing Zumba, which I really like, and hopefully it'll help me out. Dan has talked about getting me to run with him, which I think I'll do. I'm crap at running because I'm built to be a sprinter, but if I get to work out and spend time with the guy I'm dating, that seems like a good idea to me. My food intake is really hard to deal with but I'm trying to cut back more, because I know I'm eating too much. It's just difficult when I'm so stressed out.

Turtles at Des Moines Botanical Center

Yay turtles! There are a lot of turtles and koi in the stream that runs through the center. All of these turtles were lined up on the bank. Eventually they got bored and jumped back in the water, but it was cute while it lasted!

Tulips: Des Moines Botanical Center

These are some of the tulips growing inside at the Botanical Center. The outside tulips hadn't bloomed yet when I was there, although by now they might be. I really liked both the purple and the yellow and orange ones. Fun fact: the stripes in tulips are caused by a plant virus. People have been manipulating the infected tulips to create new varieties for years.

Allspice Flower: Des Moines Botanical Center

Woo, I'm done with my Omaha zoo photos, so now we're moving to the pictures I took at the Des Moines Botanical Center. It's in downtown Des Moines and it's a pretty cool place! I love taking pictures of flowers so I had a lot of fun there. So be prepared for a crap load of flower pictures. Anyway, this is an allspice flower. I didn't know where allspice came from but apparently it's a tree and it makes these nice flowers.